Explore the realms of pleasure with curiosity, compassion, and a whole lot of joy...
As I reflect on the incredible insights shared over the past years, it's crucial to highlight the beauty and complexity of women's pleasure. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario; instead, it's a kaleidoscope of individual experiences. Every woman's journey towards pleasure is unique, influenced by myriad factors – psychological, social, and cultural.
One of the main reasons why many women struggle to find pleasure in sex is that nobody teaches them how. From a young age, we're bombarded with messages that sex should be hidden, something to be ashamed of—an experience you can only enjoy with someone you love. We're warned about STDs and pregnancy, but rarely are we told about the pleasure of it, and more than that, that we deserve to enjoy ourselves too!
So, here's the deal–it's time to shift our mindset. It's time to flip the narrative, be real about it, and let women everywhere know that pleasure isn't just some far-off dream; it's our right. In this journey of self-discovery and owning our happiness, understanding the ins and outs of pleasure is a game-changer that's long overdue.
Sex can be a beautiful thing. There's no need to feel shame for wanting it or guilt for indulging in it. Feeling horny is one of the most vivid emotions for women, and embracing that desire because you genuinely want it is a powerful thing. When you engage in intimacy because it's what you truly desire, you're not 'giving' your body; you're taking ownership of your body. You own your pleasure, not waiting for a 'prince' to grant it to you.
We need to ditch this whole idea that sex is this undercover operation and start shouting from the rooftops that, hey, it's alright to enjoy yourself! It's time to rewrite the script, you know? Let's not just focus on the risks; let's talk about the good vibes and the fact that every woman out there has the right to enjoy it.
So, how do we do that?
First things first, let's get real about women's pleasure.
Fact number one: women's sexual pleasure is highly individual and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including psychological, mental, and cultural elements. There is tremendous diversity in women's experiences. So, stop looking at what other women do, and stop listening to what other people say. There is no one magic answer that works for everyone. Place one hand on your heart and the other on your vagina, then start listening to what they have to tell you. I promise you, they will never bullshit you.
Second fact, women's sexual desire usually doesn't just pop up from nowhere. I know it's not something you often see in Hollywood sex scenes, porn, or the way men's brains usually work, but women's desire is typically more context-dependent and responsive than spontaneous.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that glorifies spontaneous desire and devalues responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is one that seems to spark for no reason, is not particularly sensitive to the context, and leads to the desire to jump into bed several times a week for no reason, like the movies suggest. And, as you probably already understood, it often occurs in members of the opposite sex. Responsive desire is much more sensitive to context and develops only after all kinds of things that turn you on have already started to happen—catching a whiff of someone who smells amazing, daydreaming about the cute guy from the grocery store, or maybe a wild fantasy involving a mysterious stranger. Oh, and let's not forget hormonal roller coasters and music, a book, or a movie that just hits the right spots. There's a whole bunch of little triggers that we touch, smell, hear, see, and feel that set off our desire fireworks.
It's equally important to understand that responsive desire also works in the opposite direction and is quick to hit the brakes if there's a hint of trouble or stress in the air.
These two styles of desire are totally natural and normal; embrace them, know them, and when you realize you need to feel good about yourself, feel calm, desirable, safe (or any other context that turns you on) in order to get aroused, there's no reason to be ashamed of it; that's just the way we are, and it's super okay and normal. In fact, actively seek it out sometimes just to keep things interesting and to keep yourself in shape...
Do it for the right reasons. Women engage in sex for various reasons, and many times, not for the right ones. They try to align themselves with societal norms, please their partners, fit into the concept of femininity, and so on. Personal pleasure is not often at the forefront of why women have sex, certainly not when they are young, and in many cases, not even years later. Therefore, if we want to stop suffering from shame, blame, lack of knowledge, and the sexism of previous generations, we need to talk about sexual pleasure and start discovering what we enjoy. The more connected women are to their own body sensations and know themselves, the lower the risk of finding themselves in traumatic sexual experiences with unsuitable partners for all the wrong reasons.
Knowledge is power, and when it comes to pleasure, understanding is key. Arm yourself with the science that transforms our sex lives. By unraveling the complexities of female arousal, we empower ourselves to navigate our desires with confidence and authenticity.
Create a supportive environment; surround yourself with people who encourage self-discovery where conversations about pleasure are open, inclusive, and free of stigma.
Make it your own. When it comes to sexual pleasure, it's not about what happens or doesn't happen to us; it's about what we feel about this thing. Ask yourself, 'Does it feel good?' rather than worrying about what you should feel or do. There are no right or wrong rules to follow—only what brings you pleasure or not.
Make it your own; find something that you genuinely want for the sake of your pleasure. Don't ever think of yourself as not sexual. Think: What ignites that fire within you? Whether it's trying new experiences, exploring your fantasies, or simply taking the time to prioritize your own needs, do it for yourself!