The media often conveys the idea that sex should be spontaneous, but that's far from the truth.
We can talk about everyday matters with our partners, such as choosing a paint color for the living room, making travel plans, or deciding on a birthday gift for our child. But when it comes to sex, it’s like we suddenly forget how to use words and we have no idea how to talk about it.
It’s a language that feels awkward, personal, a language of “I want you like this, I want you to do this to me.”
Imagine if we talked about sex the way we talk about the food we eat. How delicious it is, the exact taste, what you like, what you don’t, how hungry you are, how you can’t wait to taste it. How you craving for something sweet or spicy. This is the language of sex, and yet people tend to shy away from it.
No one ever teaches us how to talk about sex. We live in a culture that finds it extremely hard to talk about sext openly and freely. This leaves many of us feeling like isolated islands, unable to effectively communicate our desires and needs to our partners.
We often rely on the idea that our partners should understand what we want intuitively, without us having to communicate it explicitly. But the truth is, this approach rarely works.
It’s important for us to develop a language of desire, to discuss our preferences and needs openly, and to create an environment where these conversations are welcomed and respected. Without this erotic language, our intimate encounters may fall short of the pleasure and connection we desire.
If we don’t build our erotic language, sex simply won’t happen.
Talking about sex is not only a means of learning and improving the intimate connection, but it also helps break free from boring routines and patterns. And also, sometimes a good conversation about sex is even better than good sex itself, as it helps release the unspoken tension and opens the door to greater vulnerability, new experiences, and fantasies that can become a reality. It improves not only the sexual aspect but the entire relationship as well.
Sex isn’t just about our genitals.
Our sexual bodies are much more than we realize or thought to believe. Our hearts, minds and bodies are intimately connected. It’s strange how we’ve separated sex and emotions, as if they do not belong in the same room together. Our mind and emotions play an essential part of our sexual experience.They tell us what we desire, what we need, and what we want to give or receive. If we hold back our emotions, our bodies will hold back our pleasure and our ability to connect with others.
Once you realize that your pleasure isn’t just about the genitals, and making love involves way more than just penetration or stamina it’ll significantly lower anxiety levels and give you the freedom to navigate the world of intimacy much more freely.
Let’s talk about sexual fantasies
What will happen if we start telling the truth and trusting ourselves when it comes to sex? What would happen if we told the truth about our desire to have a different kind of sex?
If you were to ask straight couples to talk openly about their last intimate moments, chances are they’d focus on whether there was any penetration or orgasm. It’s a significant issue and a major reason why things can get kinda boring for these couples in bed—it all revolves around this small set of moves that, let’s be real, can get pretty boring after a while.
Generally, what couples need to break the routine is more psychological arousal.
When you reflect on your most mind-blowing sexual encounters, it’s not always about the physical moves but more about the psychological vibes and emotions that surround them.
Let’s be real—our brain is the most valuable player here! By unlocking an entire realm of psychological thrills through imagination and fantasies, our brain gives us the power to elevate and expand our sexual experience, and not just sticking to repeated scripts based on physical acts.
The more you open up, and chat about your fantasies and cravings, the psychological spark ignites. Fantasies are like our best companions, but many of us get awkward when it comes to our own or our partner’s fantasies and talking about them.
When we were kids, imagining and sharing our fantasies with the world was no big deal. We were born with that ability. It’s just as we grew up; the very negative societal perception towards sex locked down that capability. The problem starts with many people fearing that their fantasies might create conflicts they can’t resolve. “Oh no, I’m a married woman. What if I enjoy fantasizing about sex with a stranger, or dare I say it, with a woman?” But our fantasies aren’t a critique of our identity or our lives; they’re a playground. We need to relearn how to navigate within the realm of fantasy and how to share those fantasies with our partner.
So, how do we talk about sex?
It’s a bit like when you touch yourself and explore your own body landscape, you want to take it slow, very slow...create a relaxed atmosphere wherever you are, whether it’s a bedroom or any other cozy spot..
Start touching but don’t rush straight to the point… go around, focus on the good parts in your intimate life, flatter, give as many compliments as you can. There’s always room for more.
Talk about yourself, try using “I” instead of “you”. Bring your own experience without blaming or demanding anything. Share your fears related to your personal sexuality. Talk about needs and not specific actions. Understand what is behind your requests and if they can be fulfilled in more than one way.
When we think about sharing fantasies, You can talk about an erotic dream you had, or say, “I’m really embarrassed and I don’t know why my subconscious meant it, but I dreamt about you in a sexy dream last night…” and from there, talk about the fantasy.
What you shouldn’t do, and this is a mistake many make, is to ask your partner directly: “What is your fantasy?” they may feel that it is an aggressive question when it comes from a certain place, and not experience it as sexy.
Try to find something small and new that you both want to do together. Something that enhances physical intimacy between you.
Watch porn together or bring up memories from existing sexual experiences you had in the past. Play games, like finding erotic scenes or scenarios that you think will arouse your partner. Try to think about what could have turned them on, and then, from an awkward place, turn it into a game with humor. This way, you can discover what intrigues both of you and start exploring
In your next sexual interaction, try to talk a bit before and a bit after. It may feel strange at first, but practicing sexual communication is a muscle worth developing. Because if we knew how to talk about sex and practiced discussing it, we could solve many things much earlier.