Explore the depths of pleasure with an open heart, curiosity, and boundless joy!
Many women struggle to find pleasure in their sex lives simply because no one ever teaches them how. From an early age, we’re told to hide sex, to feel shame and guilt about it. We’re taught it’s only for love, only for someone special. We’re warned about STD and pregnancy but hear nothing about the joy of it—or, more importantly, that we deserve to enjoy ourselves too!
Here’s the thing - it’s time to change how we think. Time to get real and rewrite the story on our own. Pleasure isn’t some distant dream, it’s here, waiting for us to claim it. On this journey of self-discovery and owning our happiness, understanding pleasure changes everything.
Sex can be beautiful. There’s no shame in wanting it, no guilt in enjoying it. Feeling horny is one of the most vivid and strongest emotions a woman can have. Embracing it because you want it—that’s power. When you engage in intimacy because it's what you truly desire, you're not 'giving' your body, you're taking ownership of it. You own your pleasure, not waiting for the 'prince' to grant it to you.
We need to scrap the idea that sex is some undercover operation and start shouting from the rooftops that, hey, it's alright to enjoy yourself! Let's not just focus on the risks and fear, let's talk about the joy and the fact that every woman out there has the right to enjoy it.
So, how do we do that?
First, let’s get real about women’s pleasure.
"We are one, but we're not the same"
women's sexual pleasure is highly individual and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including psychological, mental, and cultural elements. There is tremendous diversity in women's experiences. So, stop looking at what other women do, and stop listening to what other people say. There is no one magic answer that works for everyone. Place one hand on your heart and the other on your vagina, then start listening to what they have to tell you. I promise you, they will never bullshit you.
Second, women's sexual desire usually doesn't just pop up from nowhere. I know it's not something you often see in Hollywood sex scenes, porn, or the way men's brains usually work, but women's desire is typically more context dependent and more responsive than spontaneous.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that glorifies spontaneous desire and devalues responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is one that seems to spark for no reason, is not particularly sensitive to the context, and leads to the desire to jump into bed several times a week for no reason, like the movies suggest. And, as you probably already understood, it often occurs in members of the opposite sex.
Responsive desire is all about context. It kicks in after things that turn you on start happening—a hint of someone’s amazing scent, a passing thought about the cute guy you just saw on the street, or maybe a wild fantasy about a stranger. A kind word that lifts your mood, a look or touch that makes you feel sexy—these can all set the stage. Hormonal swings, a song, a book, or a movie that hits just right can also spark it. It’s all those little triggers—what you touch, smell, hear, see, and feel—that ignite your desire.
It's equally important to understand that responsive desire also works in the opposite direction and is quick to hit the brakes if there's a hint of trouble or stress in the air.
These two styles of desire are completely natural and normal. Embrace them, understand them, and the next time you realize you need to feel good about yourself, calm, desirable, safe, or any other context that gets you aroused, remember there’s no reason to feel ashamed or apologize. That’s just how we’re wired, and it’s perfectly okay. In fact, try actively seeking it out now and then to keep things interesting and stay connected with yourself.
Do it for the right reasons.
Women engage in sex for various reasons, and many times, not for the right ones. They try to align themselves with societal norms, please their partners, fit into the concept of femininity, and so on. Personal pleasure is not often at the forefront of why women have sex, certainly not when they are young, and in many cases, not even years later. Therefore, if we want to stop suffering from shame, blame, lack of knowledge, and the sexism of previous generations, we need to talk about sexual pleasure and start discovering what we enjoy. The more connected women are to their own body sensations and know themselves, the lower the risk of finding themselves in traumatic sexual experiences with unsuitable partners for all the wrong reasons.
Knowledge is power.
When it comes to pleasure, knowing the physical and psychological workings of our bodies is key. By unraveling the mysteries of female arousal, we take control of our desires with confidence and truth.
Create a supportive environment.
Surround yourself with people who share your interests and make you feel good about yourself, where conversations about sex and pleasure are open, accepting, and free of shame.
Make it your own.
When it comes to sexual pleasure, it’s not about what happens or doesn’t happen to you, it’s about how you feel about it. There are no right or wrong rules to follow. Make it yours. Find what truly excites you for the sake of your own pleasure. Never think of yourself as not sexual. Focus on what lights that fire inside you. Whether it’s trying new things, exploring your fantasies, or simply taking time for yourself. learn to be a little selfish and do it for you.
